Thank you so much for your affirmations and sharing your own experiences. You are fortunate to have found someone who truly loves you. No one is perfect so if we are looking for that in a mate we are doomed to fail. Still, I think sometimes I am too quick to find "something" that isn't quite right and never let things develop.

I also think that poor self esteem ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. After your confidence is torn down enough times or the seeds of doubt sown often enough it makes sense we are awkward with people and then they never know who we really are. It seems to me that its okay for a parent to point out a weakness in your character as long as its done to be helpful. But to just say "you suck" basically in whatever regard without giving any suggestions how to change that is cruel. My mother told me that I should not be too demanding of anyone who befriended me since my personality was such that people would not be drawn to me or even repelled by me? I would never tell my child something like that unless I was willing to try to help them work through it so I have to question the motivation.

I think some people are more sensitive than others, I know I was naturally introspective which has its good points, I'm quick to pick up on "vibes" from others including when they are sad - but I'm also quick to pick up "wounds" that I then carry with me.

Its like there are 2 parts of me, one who sees the flaws in my mothers actions and can understand the subsequent problems, but there is another part of me - the child - who still believes what my mother said - after all we are taught to believe our parents are wise and always know best.

I feel empathy for anyone who has their confidence eroded by such cruel comments or neglect without any attempt to repair the damage. I wish I could say my mothers attitude toward me changed when I became an adult and that she was more helpful but it seems to have been a pattern that carried forward thru most of our relationship. I can't know what happened in her life that might have caused her to be that way which is why I will always regret she would never discuss it with me - I will forever have doubts and questions.

I know that she did not treat everyone like me although my sister did not have it particularly easy either but I think being the youngest she tried hanging on to me harder than the others - I even told her once that I could not wait until I was 18 and could leave her behind and she threatened me that I would never be free of her. I ran away several times, is it any wonder - who would not want to get away from someone so clinging and toxic. But of course everyone thought I was the problem and my mother was a saint afflicted with an ungrateful child. And I think it has left me suspicious, I always think others will judge me badly and so it is hard to make friends.

I feel resentful towards today's children including my granddaughter - so many of them seem to have a sense of entitlement and know nothing about "thank you" but are always expecting more without giving anything. When I mentioned it to my son years ago he would just say well that's the way kids are. But I don't buy that - the only reason "thats the way they are" is because we let them get away with it.

And it seems that now I am older the respect that we were taught to give our elders is a thing of the past - now they are too quick to take the attitude that you are out of date and know nothing.