Breaking point for me is a thin line. Struggling at night, only at night, no matter how severe is not breaking point. Struggling during the day, when I'm with people or have access to people, that's a breaking point. If the severe depression is only at night, I just have to survive the night however I can.

Now, to you (and probably the rest of the world), I should go IP before I get to that point. But I can't make that decision until I hit my point.

Does that make sense? Not as in logical sense, but clarity sense?

Now the day my T terminated, I hit that point. I told my fiance he had to take me to the hospital. I knew that I wouldn't survive at home even if my fiance was there. Being at the hospital, taking the Ativan did calm me down, so they told me to make my own decision.

Hospitalization is probably the right thing for me. But I am surviving during the day pretty well. I judge my mental state on crying. I'm not crying during the day. I am reaching out. And I haven't SI'ed since my T told me not to contact her again.

Do I need help? Yeah. Could I use more support? Yeah. If I was forced into IP would I have a sense of relief for the decision being taken out of my hands. Definite, resounding yes. But I can't make that decision when I am still coping.

I apologize if that's frustrating. I do understand that it is. But that's where I'm at.