So I was watching the cooking channel with my fiance tonight. We just were relaxing together and watching the dogs play. A meal that was on the show was lemongrass shrimp. I started thing about my childhood when I would pick lemongrass and chew on the shoots. It reminded me of also squeezing the drops of nectar from the honeysuckle flowers. That reminded me that there are honeysuckle flowers outside my T's office window. And she took a picture of the view for me the week before she terminated. The pictures was meant for me to focus on and help during times of anxiety. But now, the picture brings me no comfort, only pain. So I break down crying...

I want so much to be back in the safety of her office, to feel that comfort and love.

When I was talking to the county T today, I realized that I can't think of any logical reason for this termination...least not a good logical reason. It was because of the insurance. We had planned to fight them and/or I pay out-of-pocket. It wasn't boundaries. All she had to do is change the boundaries if needed. And her schedule was booked with clients. Why did she put in a request for more sessions if she was planning on terminating? Wth hell changed in 7 days? I just keep trying to make sense of this. She promised honesty above all else. Why did she lie then? She lied about everything she promised me.

I want a time machine to go back to 4 weeks ago. I want to just hug her and hold onto her. I want to steal her sweater () and get my letter from my file. I want my T back!

Seriously, someone tell me!!!....If love is a choice, and my T chose to stop loving me, how do I stop loving her? I don't want to love her anymore. I don't want to remember her. I wish I never met her. But I want and need her so badly.