Quote:
Originally Posted by kaliope
i cant say i fully understand what you are going thru because of other mental health issue prevent me from forming strong emotional attachments and when people go away, it doesnt bother me. but i have had many friends go away without explanation and it has bothered me to an extend wondering what i did. i reconnected with several good highschool friends and there was such excitement and suddenly nothing. i did have one friend who cared to explain to me once in her frustration. she told me i exhausted her. i never forgot that. the frustration in her voice. i overwhelm people. just TMI, overload when I am cycling. one guy friend i had was exasperated saying he didnt know whether he had to call the police to do a welfare check on me and that was an unfair position to put him in. i just dont know how to edit. it is easier not to be my friend. i freak people out. so it could be something like this, maybe?
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For the first friend, I would have to deny this being an issue because despite both of us having issues, we never had any problems being with each other. She had moved out of the country before I went through my first manic-depressive cycle. We were pretty close and even when we lived several hours from each other, we would take turns driving to see each other. Even in the middle of the night.
For the second friend, that was why we stopped talking for a long while. I was too much to handle and I left him alone. But we reconnected about three years ago and have talked on/off since. I beat myself up about things I did in the past and feel mortified even thinking that he still connects me with my past behaviors. We have very much moved on in our lives, but I still feel that remorse that our friendship crapped out and wish it were different.
I do not wish to actually tell him any such thing. I just have very strong emotions about the past and instead of feeling like these things happened eight years ago, they feel like they happened a week ago. During a mixed cycle (which I'm currently experiencing because of spring time), it's worse. I feel sad, nostalgic, mortified, etc, but have to hold back from just contacting people and telling them everything going through my mind (very vivid memories for me, but most likely not for them).
It's hard.