mum i would like a hug from you tonight. to have safe and loving arms around me. but they weren't safe. they pushed me into the arms of a paedophile and a pervert. yet you left me with them both several times. you stole my childhood. you stole my self pride, dignity, virginity, self esteem, confidence, me. you stole me.
you try to make amends, yet if i called you now to come and hug me you would be half cut on the bottle of whiskey you drink evry night.
you've paid for me to go to spain. i am grateful, but you will be getting the money back at some point i will make sure. you tell me you love me now. too late. i needed your love and protection when i was being violated and emotionally abused by you and your lover.
i love you still because you are my mum. but i despise you at the same time. i know you are sorry. you said sorry a few weeks ago. you cried. but you still kept in touch with him for years afterwards didn't you. knowing what he did.
my relationships all my life have been %#@&#! up because of him. my relationships with my kids now are suffering because of this damned depression that will not go away. now my family are being torn apart. where does it end.
i am in hell right now. in and out of hell for months. i dont like being in hell.
i dont like myself, i dont like my life, i dont want to do anything. i wish i had succeeded 6 weeks ago. wish i was already dead.
i dont understand this illness. i was so happy at the weekend. and the week before that. now hell clasps me in its jaws again. i was even talking about going back to work.
3 weeks til new meds kick in - if they do - is this any way to be? living like a stupid selfish sad self pitying *****? no.
where did kerry go. kerry went to a place she now cant find anymore. dont know who i am why i'm here how much longer it will be like this. why did you ever have to meet him. why why why why why.
from god knows who anymore.