I've done a horrible thing tonight. An ongoing event with someone my partner and I know triggered me and I got really upset. I started hyperventilating and having a panic attack. It escalated to rage and I was yelling at the top of my lungs at my partner for over an hour. One thing led to another...I got out of control and smashed some things in the kitchen. My partner became more angry than I have ever seen him and we were both sobbing. I am so ashamed. It is this kind of behavior that has led me to be hospitalized twice. I don't want to go back to the hospital...I just got out a week ago. I just got out of control. I took my risperdal prn and am trying to calm down. I feel like a monster. I don't know how my partner could love someone who behaves so horribly. Hating myself. The things that trigger me seem unavoidable right now. I know all the coping skills but they do nothing when my nervous system is completely shot and I am wildly out of control. Miserable.