I am SUPER stressed out right now. I haven't been this stressed for almost a year. I've been doing so well- facing everything with a chill attitude but I almost threw up today from the stress. It's been less than a week since I tried to commit suicide and I still can't catch a break.

First and foremost, the thing I'm most stressed about is housing. Thanks to a "friend" who screwed me over last minute by spontaneously changing her mind about rooming with me (and took the other 2 roommates with her), I'm left to scramble to look for a place on my own since it's so late in the year that everyone else (including all my other friends) have signed a lease for the next school year already. My biggest trigger for depression is loneliness- I can barely stand being by myself so I don't know how this is going to work out. Not to mention, I'm too scarred from my roommate experience in the beginning of the year to room with a stranger so I'm stuck with expensive alternatives. I've done three months work of searching and decision making in one day. Once I do find a place, I'm going to have to go through the stress of subletting for the 4 months that I'm not here in the summer. I don't even know if I will be successful considering how many other people are subletting and they've already got a leg up on me.

So my final exam schedule absolutely sucks and I have 4/5 of them in 3 consecutive days. These finals are going to account for a lot- one of them 100%- and I really need to do well to boost up my marks in the classes and my GPA. As if studying for these hardass exams weren't hard enough, I have a friend visiting the week RIGHT before my exams. I can't say no because she's a friend from another country and this may be our only reunion and she can't visit another week since her schedule is packed and very specifically planned. And being that we're legal here, of course I have to take her clubbing and all- but exams!! So to make up for it, I obviously have to start studying earlier- aka now but no, I still have the housing situation to figure out.

In the mist of this, I'm second guessing some of my friendships due to the events leading up to my .... And as if it wasn't tough enough, I have a poisonous infatuation that I have yet to get over and everytime I see this crush, I'm in more pain and obsession. I know this crush has nothing to do with the girl but rather with me wanting what I can't have in order to prove that I can be good enough, but I just can't shake it off! It's been 5 months and it hasn't gotten any better- it's just so unhealthy!

At least this summer I'll be travelling. Unfortunately, I'll be visiting conservative relatives which means I'll have to hide my sexuality for a month and a half. Not to mention, they're going to see my tattoo and who knows how they'll react. I also won't have my escape and distractors- clubbing and drinking so I'll really have to come face to face with stuff I'm working on in therapy. It's going to be tough. Especially since I'm in a place where I really need to be myself and explore but I clearly can't do that since I will need to put on a facade visiting relatives that I haven't seen for ages.

Everything's just so exhausting and I'm so tired of getting the short end of the stick. When will I be the lucky one? I fought through hell to stay alive, just to continue fighting through hell. It's just so hard.