Guys, I'm scared. I'm scared to meet this new T. What if I don't like her? Then my search continues And what if I do like her? I don't want my heart broken again. I don't want to become attached again. But I know myself too well. If she's the right T, I will get attached.

And then I wonder about hugs, and things like a letter, pictures, and a transitional object. My T was not the only one I asked for those things. I ask it of almost everyone who is really important in my life. Do I go w/o those thing on purpose? What if she says no if I ask? What if those things are just necessary for me?

What if I have a breakdown? What if I have a panic attack? What if she asks about my SI or SUI thoughts? I'm not going to lie, but what if she over reacts?

How do I trust her? How do I know she will respect my boundary of honesty? How do I trust she's not going to lie to me? Abandon me? How do I know she's being genuine? I don't want a fake relationship.

I'm terrified of this woman. I mean, she seemed nice when I talked to her on the phone. And she was polite and quick when responding to my text. I know she's in her 50's...an age difference that I usually do well with. And I found a picture of her. She looks nice.

But the county T was nice, and I didn't have any connection with her. I actually want to tell the DBT facilitator that I don't want to see the county T again. Idk. I just don't know if I'm ready for all of this. I need help, but I don't want these new people in my life.

Being honest...it's why I also don't want to go to the hospital or crisis house. I'm in no mood to try to socialize with people. I don't even want to see my mom tonight for our weekly dinner.

What's ironic is that DBT Ts (if I understand correctly) are supposed to be basically on call 24/7. Yet it wouldn't be a deal-breaker if she didn't allow any out-of-session contact.

Do DBT Ts have different rules or boundaries from my T? Or is it simply that they practice different techniques? I have NEVER seen a T based on their specialty...ever. What if this type of therapy won't work for me? I'm not sure if I understand DBT since county has modified theirs so much. But I do understand the things I've learned. It's not a far reach for me. I just need help utilizing the skills.

Then I go back to the T and therapeutic relationship. I don't want to do this! I still want my T. I don't want another one. This will be my 10th T! What if she leaves me before I'm stable like this one did? What if I'm too much? What if she's dumber than me?!?! That is a very scary thought. This probably isn't her first career unless she was a stay-at-home mom. I assume this because she still doesn't have her license at her age.

What if I develop maternal transference. I would HATE that!!! I don't ever want to go through that again. Attachment is bad enough. What if I have to regress to progress? What if I fail? What if there's negative transference (or is it another term like projection?) because of my anger with my T?

How do I do this? I have never done this before...not like this. My T before this last T abandoned me. It hurt, but I actually didn't like her (even though I stayed with her for 2 year ). And I didn't find another T. Instead, I locked myself in the house. And the T before that one, transferred to a different city. But we were already starting to reduce sessions, and she allowed me to go back to weekly until she left. She also helped me find the next T. So this all is new to me. I don't like new. I don't like change. I don't like the unknown.

And then, do DBT Ts help with all issues? What about spirituality issues? My T was supposed to help me with that when I was ready. Or what about sexuality issues? Luckily, there's not many issues in that category. And how do I get over the guilt and shame of my "secret"? I'll have to tell someone to get help for it...I assume? I don't want to tell anyone else.

Could that be why my T left me? Omg. That's when I felt things first change. I thought it was me that changed. Maybe it was her? What if it was? What if I tell the new T, and it changes her view of me. Will I have to suffer with my guilt forever?

How can I possibly go forward w/o knowing what went wrong with my T? How do I recognize the signs?

I'm so terrified!