I am in my mid/late 30s, and up to this point have never been diagnosed bipolar. However, lately things keep happening and I keep ending up in this really dark place, and all the information I have seen and all the mental health quizes and surveys and questionnaires seem to be pointing at a potential bipolar situation.

I've seen a psychiatrist in the past, wouldn't he have noticed if I was actually bipolar? Is it possible to be so good at 'hiding' things and behaviors that something like this could go undiagnosed?

At this point, I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of: finding out I am in fact bipolar, or being told I'm not. I can't possibly be 'normal' with all this pain and anxiety and struggle and nervous energy and anger and rage and thoughts and exhaustion and twitchiness and frustration and love and hopelessness.

I don't have a regular doc, and I am completely failing at finding a pdoc (I'm assuming pdoc means psychiatrist but I'm not sure). Maybe I'm just still suffering through grief over losing my father 4 years ago. Or my mother-in-law 6 years ago. Or my mom being... well, an unstable mother (loving, but unstable is putting it mildly). And my fears of being that way with my kids.
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Everyday I go into work I am fighting the urge to cry, scream, shake, stare aimlessly at my screen. Sometimes I just can't fight it anymore, and I have to excuse myself to the restroom, or I just go ahead and stare at my screen. My work as always been a bit erratic - I can do really brilliant things, but there are lulls between. Up until recently, I hadn't really factored that into my bouts of depression, because they aren't necessarily related. In fact oftentimes, my most brilliant work happens WHILE depressed. I also hadn't seriously thought of myself as manic - I'm hyper, and feisty and enthusiastic! But.... thinking of how INCREDIBLY hyper I can be, talking too quickly for people to understand, literally racing through hallways, unable to sit still in meetings, not sleeping for days at a time, and sudden often inexplicable bouts of rage.