I really feel like some of the stories I'm reading here are the stories of my life. I've got to find a pdoc somehow, somewhere.

I have been medicated for depression - mainly prozac, and it did seem to help. The most recent time was for PND, so it was just something my OB prescribed. Haven't seen a pdoc in 8 years, and I don't think I'd want to go back to the one I had seen. But I have such a hard time picking up the phone, and then when I DID actually try yesterday after weeks of thinking about it, to have all my attempts blocked by long hold times, closed practices, and voice mail messages just seems like a sign that maybe I'm not supposed to get help. Maybe I'm supposed to suffer and I deserve to feel this way.

I'm really starting to get into a bit of a panic because I've been under reasonable control for so long - never having an episode last longer than I could contain, so while my work would suffer a bit, I could always mask it because I'd have a moment of brilliance or something (now starting to think 'brilliance' == 'manic') and churn out a ton of amazing stuff. But... I'm in some weird limbo state right now. I'm really down, crying easily, wanting to stay in bed all day but can't sleep, could easily play computer games hours upon hours, but also TWItCHY! Mind racing! Can't concentrate! Can't slow down! Irritable, angry, easy to provoke to rage...

I feel like a fraud. Like all the people I've known for all these years of relative stability (no one I know would describe me as 'stable', even through these good times) think I'm just this high energy, sometimes cranky person when in reality I'm a bit of a monster.

If I don't have some kind of brilliant manic moment soon I am going to lose my job. I just know it.