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Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel
This is concerning because I am trying so hard to do better. What if it's believed that I'm not trying hard enough?
I really need someone who is honest, open, upfront, caring, authentic, and intelligent. Those are necessary. I can't trust or be open w/o those. My fear with DBT is the structure. Does this structure allow room for relating? For a healthy connection?
My T didn't really want to address the attachment issue even though she said we could as often as I wanted to. My need for reassurance was always challenged at first. I enjoy bei g challenged, but not having to constantly prove why I needed xyz from her. Like when I asked her if my attachment bothered her. She challenged me by saying why does it matter? I wrote a thread on the forums about that. I came up with a good list of why it mattered to me. We never got to address it. We never got a chance to address a lot of things 
I will be going. I don't want to regret not going. And I'm taking my puppy, my fiance, and all pocket riders  But I'm still terrified of this woman. |
I think the trying harder is used in conjunction with the idea that people are doing the best they can. It's, as they say, a dialect. Two truths, both factual in the same space at the same time.
Here's what my sheet says:
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1. People are doing the best they can. The idea here is that all people at any given point in time are doing the best they can, given the causes of behavior that have occurred up to this moment.
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3. People need to do better, try harder, and be more motivated to change. The fact that someone is doing the best he or she can and wants to do even better does not mean that this is enough to solve the problem (This is not always true or needed. In particular, when people are making steady progress at a realistic rate with no let up or episodic drop in effort).
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7. Figuring out and changing the causes of behavior is a more effective way to change than judging or blaming. Judging and blaming are easier, but anyone who wants to create change in the world has to change the chains of events that cause unwanted behaviors and events.
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An authentic DBT T isn't going to tell you that you aren't trying hard enough. That's a judgment. You're really the only person who can decide that. A DBT T might point out areas where you aren't being willing and they aren't going to tell you that you're not trying hard enough.
I have never been told that I wasn't trying hard enough. I have been validated in my efforts and what my T has always focused on is building awareness and encouraging skillful behavior. When I have struggled to be skillful, rather than focusing on where I wasn't skillful, my efforts have been reframed to show me how I was skillful, even if the biggest thing I did that week was show up to therapy.
That's the heart and soul of DBT. It's not about shaming you. It's not about judging you. It's about a very straightforward acceptance of reality.
I think my T is very authentic. In fact, the Ts I've interacted with have all come across as genuine, compassionate, and thoughtful. A good DBT program with well trained DBT Ts... they're going to be like that. You may not click with the first one because personalities can vary, and they have been beautifully transparent, talking about how DBT has impacted their own lives.
And if it matters, my T has never asked my why. I've asked for hugs. I've asked to talk about things. He's never asked me once why I needed to do it. He views the relationship as a real relationship between two people collaborating together. If I need something, I say something and I have a right to need and want things (DEAR MAN, GIVE, FAST).
I know I'm gushing all over DBT LOL. I'm spoiled by it. I hate working outside my DBT program because I feel so incredibly validated and heard... I really feel like what I want is considered and that I have power and control in my life.
Heck, right now I'm giving my T hell about my IP experience. I don't think he handled it well and he doesn't ask me why I need to rehash it. He just lets me and I get to practice some of my skills as I do it.