Sitting here I feel a sense of fear. Safety eludes me. Thoughts go through my head that I am trying to sort out. I wish I had the words to just put down here what all I feel but I do not. I try to keep positives going and close but it is harder to do than I think.

I feel closed down and feelings are so close right now. I feel separated emotionally. Only quiet shedding tears, invisible like the wind. Feelings and emotions held so tightly it is hard to breath.

Tears go unshed for fear they will be seen and never stop. A dance of pain, the screeching sound of a million words in the wind--silent yet screaming.

Sometimes I am desperately searching for words--finding only fragments that cut and burn behind doors that burst open without warning and then slam shut as quickly. My heart beats timidly and rapidly, trying to turn upon itself.

Building walls of stone--in constant fear of shattering. Ashamed and reluctant to venture beyond the confines of the familiar darkness. Unwilling to open windows to let in the light. Living afraid in the present--yet reaching to the past known.

A constant struggle of the overwhelming need to be heard yet the petrifying fear that no one is really there to hear. Still feeling words are the only thing they did not take away. Where does one begin to rebuild after destruction for so long?

Sometimes I am searching for reinforcement that this is not all in my head. And yet even as I write this I know the answer but it is hard to accept. I wish it were all a dream and that I would wake up. But I do wake up and it is still there.

And as it comes out I feel drained and exhausted inside and out. I am trying and pushing myself. Sometimes I wonder if I push too hard. I keep holding on.

I feel myself crying inside and wanting to be held yet I feel afraid for some reason. Touch hurts with pain so deep it swallows me. Sometimes just wanting to reach out and just say HELP me as it hurts so much inside but I cannot make myself say it. Some days are better than others this is not a good day.

Writing seems a safe way for me to talk and I cannot get in trouble for they cannot hear me. Sometimes words say it all, sometimes not. I do not know where this falls.

I am reaching to the furthest reaches of my mind, but it does not seem far enough. I do not feel worthy to write, yet without these words I feel I would not exist.

I try to come here and open my most inner thoughts, thoughts that would otherwise go unsaid and unheard. I just thank you for allowing me to write here and trying to open up.

purplesecrets