Hi 8888an8888, I'm sorry you're struggling right now
But I wouldn't really say that shame should be attached to the way you feel about it. SI can be powerfully addictive and it's been a coping skill when all other coping skills are ineffective, right?? Not sure if by loving it you might mean.......needing it, the craving, the urge, the feeling of "release" it gives you??? But either way it's understandable
But you do deserve so much more than SI for yourself.
Afterall, if you have a close friend going through a rough time, looking for something "more" in their life, needing something, wanting a "friend", wanting an escape or looking for something to make them feel good/better........you're not going to be recommending them to start SI are you?? And you deserve more than that too.
I know none of that stuff necessarily comes along easily (not necessarily easy at all!!) and sometimes SI can be there when none of that is.........but it would be good if instead of the cutting feeling good, you/yourself/for yourself could feel good a bit more, right??
And it's not an easy path, you know that, right??
But you have done so well, so many times in holding out on the cutting......so if you can keep on with the coping skills, with the distractions, with the getting support..........as far as......there can be other/better ways in time to get/feel that "love".

Alison