Today at my appt, we were talking about how last week I came the closest to committing suicide than I ever have. He looked up if lamictal could be the cause and he said it typically does not cause suicidal thoughts or actions. I cried telling him the story and then the topic of the anger I have towards my adulterous father came up I explained that my father has never talked to me about what he did, or own up to it when I have asked why he did what he did. My dad doesn't talk about the divorce with me or my sister who is still in high school and it's been nearly two years. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 a month ago, and the divorce happened 2 years ago so it's sort of fallen out of my thoughts except on random occasions when I feel the lack of a family. My doc today said that my suicidal thoughts and blackout occurred because of anger I had towards my father... I hadn't thought of the divorce in a while. I believe it happened because as I was leaning into the sink to pour water out of dishes, my birds little neck got wrapped in the necklace (he had been on my shoulder and leaned in with me.) he stopped breathing and his wing was cut and I couldn't manage to undo my chain. I knew I only had a few seconds until he died (his trachea is literally the diameter of 1/8 that of your pinky finger. The only thing I could think of was to grab the scissors in my room and cut the chain. I HAD THE SCISSORS CUTTING THE CHAIN AT MY JUGULAR. I haven't taken this off in 13 years! At that point I grabbed him from my shoulder and released him from the chain, and as he was in my hands obviously in shock, I started to cry, and fell onto my bed with him and put him down and I don't remember the next 45 minutes except I had an urge that I've never felt before (impulse really) to go outside and smash my head into the poles that support my carport. All I could imagine was that thought and my phone was on 1% so I was planning on how I'd dash to a neighbors house and hold onto something to avoid running back to the pole. I planned to have someone call 911. I think while those 45 minutes passed by, I was on my stomach over the edge of my bed with my eyes wide open. I don't remember what I did I just remember my thoughts. I was stupid and drove to my moms house after I had come back to reality and drove too close to the side of the road and almost flipped my little Prius. I don't believe that my dad was the reason for this and if I presented symptoms of a hypomanic episode and history of major depression, why would he be changing his mind? I'm seeing him again next week and staying on the lamictal until then but what if he's wrong and takes me off the stabilizer when in fact I need it? Even with my ocd compulsions, I've never felt an urge as strong as this.