I did talk to my advocate today. She's been really encouraging. She told me to call her again on Monday to update her on tomorrow's T appt.

Still think it's sad that you all, the county, the advocate, etc. are all more supportive and caring than the last time I saw my T.

Anyways, the advocate really encouraged me to give this T a chance. She explained that the fact she doesn't have her license yet could be a good sign that she's not burnt out and is still enthusiastic to practice. And she does think someone her age would be a better fit for me. She thought my T sounded a little young for me when she talked to her on the phone. She also said that I am a lot better than when I first met her, and she believes that I'm ready for this change; I'm ready to grow.

I'm still so scared. 22 hours... I am pretty much ready. I just need to put together a list of my concerns. I also need to figure out what to wear

I'm keeping track of the time. My fiance will be home in an hour. Then we'll probably watch 1-2 hours of TV. I'll wind up staying up for another 3 hours due to sleep issues. Then I'll sleep till noon. Wake up, get ready, feed dogs, leave at 1:30pm to see my Pdoc. Then I go to group right after. Then go home, pick up my fiance and puppy and drive down there. Have dinner (well, it's lunch for us). Then go meet T. Thankfully there's no real down time except now until my fiance comes home and from midnight to 3am.

But my nerves are getting to me. I'm literally sick to my stomach. Basically have stomach flu like symptoms w/o the fever. It's horrible. My emotions are fluctuating so much: depressed, angry, grief, fear, and yes, hope. But it's draining me. I so want this T to work out. I'm not sure if my body can handle this stress for much longer. And if I have to keep searching for Ts...

I wish I could communicate with my T what all she has done to me. How is any of this more beneficial than her spending the time processing this with me? It's more than a loss of a doctor. It's more than a change. It's one of the most traumatic experiences I have ever experienced. I want her to know! I want her to understand my pain! How can she, even as a human being, do this to someone? I wouldn't wish this on anyone. You suffer so much. And people are there for you. But then when you stop crying, start coping, everyone is so positive and encouraging. But then it feels like you are expected to be over this. But you're not. It's still there. Everything I do, everything I look at, something always reminds me of my T.

I hate it, and I know the pain is different, but I wish she was dead. Not to cause her or her family pain, but so I might have some understanding, a little closure, a place to grieve her, remember her. To not have the good memories tarnished. I know her death wouldn't really make anything better. I just wish for some peace. I wish...for so many things. I don't understand. I just want to understand!

I'm sorry. I'm just tired of all of this.