I am glad that you are comfortable here. I agree - people are here to help (or to get help), and not to judge you. Anything that you struggle with, someone else here probably does too.

Do you have a therapist? One thing that you need in order to get past problems like what are often involved in someone who has borderline personality disorder is someone who can keep you focused and moving in the right direction, and help you to step back and see your behaviors and thinking for what they really are. It sounds like you are seeing that now, but it takes help to keep seeing it, and to keep looking at it objectively when you get a little further down the road, and all you really want to do is fall back on the ways that you have tried to cope before, because you can't see around the corner and the helplessness and uselessness feelings seem like they are bigger than you are.

There are books that will help, and having a support group, like this one (and real life support too) makes a difference. There is hope, and you can do this.

Rap