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Originally Posted by nervous puppy
(((SP))) I hope you were able to get some sleep! I know how that is. This week has been very trying for me, too. You're right, it's the alone times that are the hardest to keep the thoughts of the old T, and the heartache of the loss, at bay.
I have work to keep me distracted, but that hasn't been working well at all this week. I've had to hide my tears while at my desk. Gone to the bathroom and cried like a baby, hoping no one would walk in.
I don't want to worry you or cause you any more distress so I haven't brought this up, but I've been up and down on this since I found out about my T's cancer in early October. I haven't seen or spoken to her since early December. I didn't expect the news of her death last Friday to get me all worked up again. I've had 6 months to accept this and work through these emotions. The thing for me is I've never felt emotion like this before. Not even close. I think for me the actual "feeling" of emotion is also getting to me. Up until now, I've always been very good at not "feeling".
The thing is, you will have a good days, bad days, good weeks, and bad weeks. Don't judge yourself by that. It's all part of the grieving process. Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace.
That eating thing is important, too. I was very good at watching what I eat, and tried to make good choices for quite a long time. Then when T got sick, I headed right for the junk. She was very health conscious, exercised, ate right, did everything right. I had put on over 60 lbs since starting on anti-depressants and was gaining. I changed my diet simply by logging it and actually eating more calories. The gaining stopped, but I didn't lose any weight. I've been slacking but luckily I haven't gained any...yet. Trying to get back on track and away from the junk snacks. I do feel better without the sugar, but I have to eat enough calories to have any energy.
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(((((NP)))))
I know you and a lot of people replying to me and lurking here are struggling too. I do not believe my pain is greater than anyone else's nor that I deserve this amount of support. I may have started this thread, but I think it's just as beneficial for people who are replying to me to get support too. I haven't been reading or replying to other threads much for fear I'm going to stir up something that I won't be able to handle
Least here, if I say something off, people will understand it's my situation... But I want to be reciprocal to everyone who has supported me through this. So if you or anyone want to add or share, by all means SHARE!
It's like the icon I posted for this thread:
or
or
. That's where I see the benefit of a forum. We're all different and going through something unique to us, but we can all relate.
I do care for you too NP.
Don't worry about worrying me or causing me distress. The only thing that would hurt me from people here would be if I was attacked, insulted, judged, etc.
I'm weird. I have this huge fear of people, but my life tends to go the direction of being surrounded by people especially when I'm struggling. And it's always been helpful. I love listening to others, hearing their stroy, learning from them. It helps me. I think that's why I'm gravitating so much to PC right now, and why the people who are reading this are gravitating here too: because we can all relate.
Long story short: don't hold back from writing about what's going on with you. It helps. It puts life into perspective. It allows me to reach outside of myself and be who I am. And hopefully you gain some benefit from it too
I don't work... I'm not able to yet. I can just see myself going into work, maybe a receptionist, a customer complains and I break down in tears. Or a line forms and I run out of the building in an anxiety attack. It's actually funny to imagine, but wouldn't be very funny to go through. One day though... I think I have settled that my next socializing goal(s) will be taking a stained glass class, and the new DBT group (if I stay with the new T). Then maybe finishing my AA. And maybe my BA? And then who knows, my masters in architecture?? Or maybe life will allow me to be a mother? Idk. But they're all nice goals.
Interesting about increasing the calories, but lowering the sugars. That's basically what I'm supposed to be doing. I can easily reduce the carbs to within my appropriate range if I try. The keeping the calories up part, not so good at. I'm supposed to gey 300 calories in me for breakfast so my medication can fully absorb... I'm struggling with it. I like my fiberone bars. And then I always have my coffee. But finding more food to fit in there is overwhelming. The other day I added an apple, it was too much to eat for me. I shared most of it with the dogs
And yesterday I tried adding a yogurt. I could barely get that in me. People assume that overweight people simply eat too much...it's so much more complicated than amount of food. I need a diabetic nutritionist... Maybe I'll ask my primary to see one again. One that will help me with a meal plan.