Delurking briefly....

T session today was pretty uncomfortable. I'm currently researching the concept of fluid gender identity. Which feels like a very useful concept but I don't know how much it actually applies to me, and if so, how much is caused by me growing up being a daughter instead of the wished-for son, or by me passing as a boy for several years as a preteen (which I still haven't told T about), or by me being very unfeminine both in terms of looks and interests, or by the undeniable fact that I am simply very unattractive, to people of either (or any) gender, or by more personal things that I won't bore you with. It probably doesn't matter what causes it, and it's never going to be possible to see what is cause and what is effect, but I don't know what to do with this new, potential, way of thinking about myself. Not that it would or could change anything in how I live, so it probably doesn't matter anyway. But it makes me a bit uncomfortable to sit on these thoughts all the same - not because I have a problem with the notion of non-binary gender, but simply because it's strange and unfamiliar for me to think of myself in those terms. And T is on his Easter break next week, so I'll have to sit on this without discussing it until the 7th.