Thanks for reading, whoever's reading.
I'm a sex addict. I go on the internet compulsively, seemingly with no fight. I've done things that went against all of my values, crossed a lot of lines. I've known this for a while, tried to get help, and to a certain degree accepting it. But honestly I'm posting here about another issue, that is bigger in my opinion, that undermines me working on any other issue.

I get to work on something, anything, including my addiction, and I make progress. I get somewhere for a while, and then at some point, well, I'm not sure. A thought, or feeling, or more likely something under all that just turns off. Or turns on I guess it could be. And I chuck it all. It often starts with an addictive behavior, so I guess you could argue it's all part of that. A thought in my head to miss work, or miss a meeting, or go on the internet, or eat a bunch of junk food, or whatever, something that gets the ball rolling to kind of chuck everything else. It's not even like an argument, it's just like a voice that says "You're sleeping in today" or whatever. I'm not saying I hear that consciously, just that's what the experience is like. It immediately takes over. There's no fight or anything. It's funny almost. And then once one thing goes, everything else goes.

So that's it I guess, I don't know how else to describe it. I guess a little more about how it undermines everything. Like I've been meeting with an IFS counselor. But I had to stop for financial reasons. I have things to do to pursue getting a job, or making some money otherwise, and I start to do them, then this process happens and I don't follow up on anything. It's like I would need therapy to solve that issue, but I can't get to therapy because of the issue. Like a big catch-22.

I'm in a crazy amount of pain right now. It's numb a bit because of what I've been doing, but it's there. I'm hoping I can get some answers here. Is there such a thing as a like a "quitting-addict?" I don't know, I don't really care about the science of it I guess, I just want this to end.

I don't lack knowing what to do, or even the motivation to do it. It's more like the power -- that's something they said in sexaholics groups (which I also tried, but this same thing happened). I don't have the power, it just goes away sometimes, and I'm at the total demand of this part of me that wants me to give up.

I'm putting this in a few forums just cuz I don't really know where it belongs.

Thanks for reading,
Danny