Quote:
Originally Posted by Krizzy
It's more soul crushing to know that something's wrong and not have a clear answer. I'm actually just starting therapy tomorrow, and finally getting that answer after so much patience is going to be a very comforting experience. I feel it will make me content.
I can however understand why people would drift off after finding out why, I've been there. It's more in the fear of not being able to operate in the world. You feel you will be sick forever, so you lose your way.
But then I started thinking "What's the point in these trivial ill feelings, none, they just spin you in circles, they make things pointless." Something sparked! Some sort of fire started inside me. I made it my mission to fix myself and I became determined.
Now when I drift off now and again, that fire always keeps me going. I learned not to think that way. I learned how to keep picking myself up no matter how many times I fall. I gave myself constant faith, even if one side of me always wanted to quit.
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Krzzy, the first time I read your post, it made me cry. I know that that is YOUR HOPE that I'm seeing in your post but nontheless, you fueled my fire that was already kindling. I felt alive for that moment, still a little gust of wind could put it off at any moment though. I wish you luck with your therapy, I'd do the same if there were any talk therapists where I live.
As for the OP, yes it's soul crushing. After going through the system and rather felt manipulated, I won't be seeking any outside help for a while, The left over meds in the medicine cabinet is still tempting, knowing full well that they didn't work for me and why am still tempted? There's no stigma attached to my diagnosis, I been alone for a long time and no one gives me **** for that. This is my **** to figure out, it's no one else's business. I've already done struggling with the label part, I even wanted one to define my crazy mind, and I failed. Psychiatry is a joke in my country. Got a work stress? Pop a pill or two, that's how they operate. I don't feel victimized or anything but just thinking about it makes me upset a little.
So I'm back to square one, not having a clear answer for what I have, yet this sudden switch 4 days ago was really unsettling. I may be finally accepting that I have this two completely different sides with no middle ground in between and both of them are quite often out of control. Like it or not, it's still me and I'm responsible. I am not letting it ride me, but I'm riding with them. Being on either side with untamable mind is crazy. I don't even know what being stable means at this point. I have been alive this way with or without knowing my own condition. Do I need a treatment/recovery plan? I'm not there yet. Should I get out, climb out of this way of thinking, is this a really a pointless exercise to trying to figure myself out?
Hope, courage, that sort of things, (and intelligence) that every living human seems to possess. I'm a human first so I don't need a bipolar specific treatment, just make me a human.
(I tried, it's so blatantly obvious that I write baaaadly. sorry. JFYI, I read all the posts first. 2, 3 times actually. I got nothing against good doctors and thier medicine. And I'm not high functioning type, Also, thanks for always showing me a big picture, Venusss and Trippin. )