Well....

I've been thinking about posting here for about a week now.

I remember when the forum was first created. I was like: cool! But... I don't really fit there do I.... But why is it cool....

I'd look at Women-Focused Support and think: meh.... I'd look at Men-Focused Support and think: cool! But wait, I don't have those parts. So... how is this helpful?

Anyway.

For a while now I've noticed I don't like giving out my sex online. But why... and I kind of like it when people get the wrong one. I don't correct it.

I was thinking this would come out much more coherently....

I guess it's because it's still kind of awkward. I'm only now kind of accepting it. I'd be like: yeah, I'm a girl that doesn't fit into the box of what a girl should be! And now I'm like: am I really a girl? I've been questioning my gender ever since I was a kid. Felt like things would be better if I was born a boy. Once in middle school or earlier I sat down with myself and asked: would you like to be a boy? I guess I'm kind of okay with my body. Not planning on changing anything. But there is definitely a masculine aspect to me. I get all protective around girls if we're out walking and guys are looking. I like joking around with guys, and I feel awkward when they remark on my looks.

Now I guess I'm lucky in that I could actually pass for a guy, at least from a distance. No curves really. And I'll admit that I like the idea of a flat chest, short hair....

As far as telling anyone I know this, haha. This country treats homosexuality as a crime. Although there are some people that, say, cross-dress, but they're openly mocked. I'd love to wear an undershirt and loose buttoned shirt and shorts... but the fact that I have body hair will bring me hell. It already brings me hell. So many people comment on it. My family, friends.... Gender roles here are a lot more restrictive. I've been wondering why I don't shave my moustache. Well... I like it. And now I kind of get why. I kind of like the bits of hair growing where a beard would be. I even have one long hair out of nowhere. :P

I kind of mentioned this to my therapist at my last appointment. I was shy as hell. I asked her if she knew what FtM was, and she did. So I figured she wouldn't judged me. She did offer the word "queer" once, but I didn't look into it. Plus her dress style isn't really feminine either... she's also pushing boundaries. I like her style. The odds that another therapist would understand this, here anyway... I think I lucked out. My psychiatrist has pointed out my moustache even.

Sorry that this is all over the place. It's still kind of hard to talk about. Maybe if I go abroad I can be more myself... I already get enough comments here. But at the same time, I have friends that don't care how I look or dress, as look as I'm okay. So I'm thankful.

Name's Bark, and I guess I'm... genderqueer? Work in progress.

I wonder if I could use "they" online.... I could actually use some pronouns.