Welcome to Psych Central jbeach!
Please know that you are not alone with how you feel. Many of us here understand the struggle.
I hope you will consider looking for a therapist to help you cope with how you feel, someone who you can talk to in confidence. We are here for you too, here for each other at PC.
Looking forward to hearing from you again.
Take care.
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Pegasus
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“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein