My mom was there for me physically as a child but not emotionally. My T. and I have a great relationship but she's tough and the trust isn't complete. Last night in my session I told her when I'm struggling between sessions, I think back to a few sessions where she said she cares about me, won't abandon me, won't let me push her away, etc. I said I feel like a kid but I kind of wanted to hear that again. She asked if I believe what people say more than how they act. I said no, I guess actions do speak louder than words. She said I need to pay attention to her actions just as much as her words.

What I want from her is what I never got from my mom. I want her to tell me all the time that she cares about me, won't leave me, etc. I want her to tell me she's there for me anytime and I'm not alone. I can feel I'm getting ready to grieve for my mom and I feel very alone in the process. Deep down and intellectually, I know these are things she can't give me. She can't be my mom or give me what my mom didn't. Instead, she's supposed to help me come to terms with it, grieve it and be okay without it.

But, how do I stop wanting it? I used to tell myself that I don't need it and suppress it. That process isn't healthy and isn't really working anymore.