Hi there. I've been suffering from depression since puberty I guess (i'm now mid 40). Although I had some happy times in the past, the last couple of years I suffered from anhedonia and since about a year I'm severely depressed. I have been hospitalized for a couple of weeks, had intensive treatment but it seems that nothing works. All the theories, having a regular day schedule, go outside 2x/day, dont stay in bed etc. etc. schema therapie, medication. I just like it doesnt make any sense at all anymore Why should I get out of bed if i dont see the sense of living, if there is absolutely nothing that brings me joy. Im on escitalopram since 3 weeks, 10mg in the morning and 7.5mg mirtazapine at night for sleeping. It does nothing yet, not even side effects (except maybe that I dream more).
The only thing I want is to numb myself, just dont feel anything. Im to coward to end my life and deep inside i dont want it, i just wanna live, be happy, enjoy, work. I just cant get out of this black hole...