Not that I'm there or anything but I think part of the work is just accepting your wanting. What would it be like to accept that you wish for something and not feel ashamed or angry but just gentle and accepting toward the part of you that wants more? (I personally have no fukking clue but my therapist urges me to think about it, so I do.)

I suspect that, as others have said, some of those wants can be fulfilled even if not in the exact way that you crave at the moment. Paradoxically, I think one might have to accept those wants and mourn that they were not fulfilled early enough by the right people (and therefore can never be fulfilled in the specific ways you've always needed) precisely in order to fulfill them later.

So in order to accept the love, attention and care of a therapist or another person in your life, you have to start to accept that they cannot give the actual parental care that you missed. I think about Lola Grace's husband demanding constant assurance from her and it's heartbreaking because obviously it's not an okay way to treat your spouse (and good for you LG for working through it with him) but it's totally the way toddlers treat their parents.

Toddlers who aren't shamed for wanting their parents will demand care and reassurance and affection at every hour of the day and night whenever it strikes their fancy. There seems to be no end to the amount of Goodnight Moon, soothing, holding, playing, singing and rocking that they will demand. Then suddenly, they've gotten their fill and they tolerate and even initiate separation, they crave independence, and while they still need lots of love and care (and occasionally need constant reassurance again during a rocky period), they've clearly internalized that love and they go about their business confident and secure that their needs are met.

It has been so illuminating and healing to watch this with my own kids. I feel pleased to be able to give them a secure attachment and that's worth the effort and expense of therapy in itself. But the lightbulb that keeps going off in my head is "oh, my kids aren't necessarily extra high-needs compared to me, it's just that they're allowed to have their needs and I wasnt."

Seeing that the needs are pretty universal is a step toward feeling a little better about having them. But like I said, for me it's not a one-off lightbulb and now I get it and it's fine. It's a continuous process of admitting to the shame, trying to accept the existence of the needs, trying to grieve the ways they didn't get met and then allowing myself to accept the different kinds of care and support that are currently available to me. And it's exceedingly painful and unfamiliar and hard to trust so it goes very slowly. I honestly sometimes think the pain of it will break me. I find the intensity of it so bewildering that I just feel at a complete loss.