Quote:
Originally Posted by Mastodon
Delurking briefly....
T session today was pretty uncomfortable. I'm currently researching the concept of fluid gender identity. Which feels like a very useful concept but I don't know how much it actually applies to me, and if so, how much is caused by me growing up being a daughter instead of the wished-for son, or by me passing as a boy for several years as a preteen (which I still haven't told T about), or by me being very unfeminine both in terms of looks and interests, or by the undeniable fact that I am simply very unattractive, to people of either (or any) gender, or by more personal things that I won't bore you with. It probably doesn't matter what causes it, and it's never going to be possible to see what is cause and what is effect, but I don't know what to do with this new, potential, way of thinking about myself. Not that it would or could change anything in how I live, so it probably doesn't matter anyway. But it makes me a bit uncomfortable to sit on these thoughts all the same - not because I have a problem with the notion of non-binary gender, but simply because it's strange and unfamiliar for me to think of myself in those terms. And T is on his Easter break next week, so I'll have to sit on this without discussing it until the 7th.
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So I'm on board with the gender fluidity concept, and it is my understanding that for some, it means they might feel more feminine in some aspects at times, and can switch to feeling more masculine at other times.
This plays out for me in an odd way. Physically, I have what could be considered a feminine build (big boobs + curves), much to my dismay at times. But I've always been a tomboy, passed for a boy for a few years before puberty put a quick stop to that, and I dress pretty neutrally most days (jeans + chucks + t-shirts or hoodies). I rarely wear makeup. So I don't think most people would categorize me as a "feminine" person. Sometimes I'll change it up and wear a flowy shirt, and form-fitting jeans, and boots, with my hair down, and on those days I come across as very feminine (still no makeup though). And I definitely FEEL more feminine on those days, whereas I FEEL more gender neutral (though still slightly towards the feminine side of things) most days.
What I wonder is: where does behavior and personality fit into all this? I'd say that I have pretty "feminine" values. I put a great deal of effort into relationship building (on personal, professional, and community levels), I am not a particularly competitive person (a trait some might consider more "masculine"), and I am a caregiver extraordinaire (thanks, cr@ppy childhood!). If those values informed my gender in any way, I'd say I'm pretty darn feminine. Does any of this make sense?
I had a few (er, several) beers a few weeks ago with a friend, and we came up with this...what if gender was measured on an X/Y graph, with appearance being one axis and values being the other? IDK, just something we were happily bantering about after a few strong beers.
Anyway, I think this is great stuff to talk about with your T. I know I've chewed my T's ear off over random stuff like this several times. It is very strange to think about yourself and your identity in a whole different context. And sorry for the delay in responding!