I just joined the forum a short while ago. I have lurked before joining for awhile and now I respond from time to time.

I believe I may be the opposite of most of the people on here. I notice that most of the posts I read that people do not want to be in the manic state, well, I live there.

I was diagnosed with manic depression at 7 years old. I had a really tough childhood as my parents did not want me and I grew up in homes without a feeling of love. I was the youngest person to enter the system at the time (homes) and because of my situation, I was a very angry child and this followed me through my childhood years until I was an adult (I was kicked out of my home at 16 and been on my own ever since (now 40)).

I never slept much. If I got 4 hours of sleep I was good to go and many times I got much less. My mind races, every day, all day, my whole life. I talk fast, have a tendency to be a little loud. I have a temper that I have managed to tame but I don't take much before I get fired up.

Unlike what seems many people on here, I hate to slow down. If my mind slows, I get bored. I spend way to much money and that is something I am trying to get under control and it may be working, slowly.

I am disabled because of the way I am. People have a bit of a hard time getting along with me because it is hard for me to relate with people. I don't and have never understood "normal" and the thought of me ever being "normal" actually scares me after all these years me being the hyper/fast thinking person I am.

I guess the purpose of this post is, what is it about being manic that people with bp generally don't enjoy? I'm just trying to understand. I can't imagine my life any other way and when I do hit a depressed state I am quick to try and reverse it to get back to where I feel entertained by my own thoughts.