I dont know real life skills because all I know is therapeutic stuff. I have social anxiety like crazy. My BPD is out of control but I dont like using that excuse but it my diagnosis seems most fitting. I was raped as a child and all I know to deal with the PTSD is to run from emotions. I do it without knowing. I put myself in abusive relationships mostly emotional because I feel like I need it. I know the fault in everything I do but its the only thing I know. I currently go to therapy daily but it makes mw worse. I feel excuse my language mind ****ed on a daily basis. I resorted to drugs and alcohol because it altered my thinking. Another way to escape but Newman forced into sobriety after my last overdose and rehab is another trigger. One more mess up and I feel like I'd kill myself before they can send me away for good again. That's where I'm at right now. It scares me that I'm not afraid of death and its my biggest curiosity. I dont know what I believe in but I feel it'd be better finding out what its like afterwards. My therapist is aware of my thinking but inpatient treatment just starts the cycle over again. I cant leave my loved ones but they say to do things that are right for myself. I know its not acceptable to some but I just want the pain and suffering to go away. This week I'd be with positive friends but I isolated myself cause I cant have fun anymore. It seems impossible to find true happiness I tried everything. And I jump into relationships fast and Theseus myself away and girls now think I'm a "player" and that hurts me to no end. I want my drugs and alcohol back cause its the only way I can cope and sometimes it leads me to testing my limits which in the end makes everything worse. Two weeks ago was another near death experience spent in the ed. I dont want the attention it made people give me. I want to be alone and not hurt anyone else. Life seems pointless right now. I'm not going to do anything right now so dont worry about that. But I dont know what the future holds but I dont want to know so I try to escape in anyway possible. I moved out to get away from my mom cause she didn't let me do the things I seeded to cope. Now we are distant and I hate it. I feel like its another reason to let whatever's after life just take me. I comply with treatment and meds but they dont help and cause unbearable sideaffects. Ive been on 100's of meds the 30 times ive been admired. I'm lost in this stupid world and I dont belong. I want out but I know its not that easy. I feel as if theres no hope. But helping people in a weird way helps me. I recently got offered a Peer Advocate job but I know I cant so it because of my mentality. Theres no way out of this and I try to face it but fail every time. So this is my like 10th attempt at this. On this site where theres not much judgement but even on here I get *****ed out like I dont belong. I'm paranoid my therapist will see this and send me away and that scares me.

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