hey. sorry i haven't been around a great deal... my friend is doing better now (stabilised), but i have been spending a lot of time up at the hospital with him and also with his family. haven't really had the time to do anything else. no time to work. no time to read the boards. back to my life now, however.

therapy has been... pretty much me raving about my friend, i guess. therapist has been alright about that, i guess. has kind of tried to bring the conversation back to my feelings, but i guess i've been kinda resistent. needed to stay strong for my friend and his family, really. it has been a kind of a shame in a way because we had a month of twice weekly, but now we are back to usual so i see him tomorrow and haven't seen him for a week. i worry a bit that it became a bit of an avoidance strategy, really. if it wasn't about my friend it would have been about something else (my needing to work or something).

i've been thinking, though. i get this push-pull thing. not sure that i've talked about it with my therapist specifically. thought about sending him an email tonight but i might wait and see how things go tomorrow and send it after that if i need to. this is a bit bizzarre...

there are some things that i find really very intensely intimate. sex isn't really one. eye contact is more so. him... feeling my emotions... is one of those too. sometimes i long for intimacy. long to melt into him kind of. probably more intimate than most people would like / would feel comfortable with, but i'm not sure, i guess. anyway, sometimes merger is something to be longed for and something that is received / obtained with delight.

but other times... it just feels too close. invasive. intrusive. like i will shatter into a million pieces if he gets that close to me. so i dodge around with conversation trying to avoid the intimacy because it is something that i simply can't face. it feels... icky. dirty. wrong. bad.

things feel that latter way sometimes. and there he is... patiently waiting for me to just stoppit and sit still for a bit. patiently trying to bring the conversation around to something more intimate... and i dodge and dart and simply can't let him. panic at the thought of it really.

and at other times i just long to be close to him and it is gratefully received. i'm trying to bring the conversation around to something so i'll get that. and... he seems to like that. and he seems to receive it well.

but other times i feel dirty / bad / wrong.

what is wrong with me?????