HI AK, I was just mopping the kitchen floor and realised you hadn't been around for a while :-( not that you and mopping have any connection LOL!!

I feel like that with T too. In my perfect fantasy I want to be back in the womb with her, then once I've allowed myself to get close the other fantasy kicks in where I am destroyed by her...

I haven't yet developed a strong enought ego strenght of my own and worry I will be absorbed by someone else.

I guess like growing up when my parents ideas and feelings were put into me and mine not allowed to grow? be seen? I got lost and I'm afraid of getting lost again.

I was reading up on pathological narcissim and how narcissis require narcissitc supply to feel their sense of self. WEhen that supply is withdrawn then rage sets in.

I feel like that when T goes away, I feel like I've died a psyhic death, because I have no edges of my own yet..

I put my sense of self into objects and experience them from a safe distance because somehow I've a fear of my own self.

Fear its not good enought? T says I put my power into her and other things. I guess thats the same as putting our self into others too?

Taking care of our selfs through others with fantasys of believing we are the most important thing in T's life? But letting go of that fantasy is scary because it gives me back my own "SELF" and I'm not sure I can do what it takes to take care of it???

Ramble ramble

Good to see you back and sorry about your friend!