Don't be afraid to post here, you do what you can to help yourself!!
Every single time you stop yourself from self harming or worse, there is a part inside you... Even if it's very small, that is stronger than your pain. You are strong... You are very strong because you are reaching out and opening up.
It hurts, it hurts so bad to feel the pain of this world. It's like every last ounce of your body is trying to find any sort of escape. The endless thoughts make it worse and tempt us to dig down farther into our rut because it seems the only way out.

It's not though. That is what this pain tries to force us to believe.
It's so hard to even do this but it's the only thing that saved me when I was so far gone in BPD. Here it is...

Anytime I got a negative thought... "I'm worthless, I want to die.. Ect" I'd replace it with something positive like "I can do this, everything will pass. I can get through this."
I'd repeat it if I had too, and I'd force myself to smile even when I hated doing it. I'd fail and fail but I always made the effort to try.
I'm not sure if this would work for you or not. It is so hard to do but it helped a tiny bit.

I'd call the suicide hotline because it does help. Just talking helped me feel somewhat better.

Do you have anything you can do that can distract you? Drawing? Reading? Tv? Video games? Anything at all that can help for a little bit?

I want to see you feel better. I want to read a post in the future saying you made it through the darkness.

The pain is unbearable, it feels like we can feel the pain of the world all smashed inside our little soul. But it can't defeat you because you are stronger than you think and wiser than you believe.

These times are so extremely hard but you CAN make it through this!!!! Don't worry about where you might end up! Don't worry about what others think, don't care what may happen in the future! Divert all your energy into something that you can hold dear to you.

Your mother and you might be distant now but that will not last forever. Live for HER!!! Call her and tell her you love her!! Tell her your're struggling, tell her you need her! Cry to her, tell her to come see you.

Do whatever you can to ease this pain into something even slightly more positive.

It doest seem like it now, but YOU can get through this alive! We are all here for you and don't be afraid to let it all out on here. We are here to help and support each other through the good and the bad.