ugh yes i can relate to this a lot. though like i feel i'm in a weird place where i'm ready for it...?
lol jk
i'm not personally ready for it but i've caused enough trauma to others while reacting to my own that i'm ready to embrace whatever pain i have to in order to do whatever i have to to stop hurting the people i love and also to stop this constant hurt in myself, you know?

it's so hard though, especially when people don't understand

one thing that helps me is to remember that it's all inevitable, falling off into the memories, because it's all already happened, all the memories, we know them because they happened to us in real life and we survived and really recognizing that it all happened won't change who we are in any negative way

idk, it's just all there and it all happened and as much as i wanna integrate all my memories and thoughts and feelings... it's still terrifying and despite the fact i know that fear is the only thing holding me back from living the life i'm actually truly possible of living (which i never believed was possible before) i still don't know how to do anything but be afraid and pretend it isn't there

i hate that i had no choice in being hardwired to react that way