Thankyou for the support. I really need it. But it all seems to not work. I feel like this on a daily basis ans everyone tells me it'll get better but it never does. I found out today my mom is drinking again. Even though grandma slowly offed herself with it. She was my inspiration to quit drinking but now ive got nothing. My sister is aDrug addict how am I suppose to continue rehab if they couldnt do it. I want out. I never asked for this. I write music but its all sad and when I show people they think I'm going to act on what I write. I dont relate with happy music but this is my passion. To one day play infront of thousands of people WHO understand and relate. I want to change music and write for those WHO go through the same. But so much gets in the way of it. No one believes in me so what am I Suppose to do? Like my biggest supports are hypocrites and its not like I'm able to disown my family. No one in my family understands my illness and are afraid of me. I'm lost. I'm trying to make something of what little "talent" I have. But no one thinks I can do it and neither do I Now. I lived for my mom but I tear her apart that's why she started drinking again to cope. I cant do this anymore. I tried calling my peer advocate but he wouldnt answer. I know I'm prolly better off in a group home or inpatient ERT but that's not what I want and would make it worse. It dosent matter if I have a good day ill immediately dissociate and it just brings me back to my depression baseline. Death makes me curious if I'd be happier that way. I live for what people think about me cause I just want to be accepted but at 19 I still get bullied. Sometimes I try and pick fights with them because I get so hurt. I lost my childhood. I spent it in A hospital and I'm stuck emotionally of when I was raped. I'm trying so hard to listen too your words of encouragement but it just seems so impossible to alter my negative thinking.


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