Long story short my friend WHO suffers from the same things I do had her cousin kill herself years ago. And I'm really bad at helping her because it hurts me to see her in pain. The funeral was today and tomorrow marks the number of years ago it happend. Shes in pain and is my biggest inspiration. But its hard for me to be there because I dont know if I should be positive and upbeat or to grieve with her. I love her with all my heart and it kills me that she blames herself. I want to put my own emotions aside tomorrow to be there but this has me crying. I told her she couldnt self harm because of how good shes been doing but I turned around and did it myself. I'm a bad friend and it kills me so ****ing much. Her girlfriend is such a big support and has helped her so much. And she's been struggling too. I love them both so much. They are perfect for eachother but I feel like I bring them down. We hung out today and I felt so paranoid that iWas causing them pain too. I'm not sure if I should back off or fake my emotions for their own good. Things keep happening that make recovery literally impossible. I want to drink and smoke my pain away but I'm in rehab. That's why I See death as the only option. To not only end my pain but end others. But deep down iKnow it'd just hurt them more. So I'm stuck in limbo. Thankyou so much for listening and relating so well. I feel less judged and I appreciate all the support

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