Hi there,

Thought I'd write about this here once again as I can't seem to move forward.. I've been feeling really sad again lately about my mum 'abandoning' me. I don't even know anymore if that's the right word to use, but I feel it was the 'ultimate betrayal' from her that she didn't take me away from a dad who didn't want me. The fact that she subjected me to him meant I had no choice but to dissociate, cut off most of what was 'me'. This man who didn't want to see me.. And then my mum didn't either, in other ways.. Becoming aware of this has made me realise we really need other people to see and hear us in order to become who we are.. other people wanting to know us!

I feel I've had this problem of not being able to cry, though, for as long as I can remember. Lately, I've had this feeling in my chest and behind my eyes like something, tears, are waiting to come out or should come out, but I just can't do it! I'm thinking, 'What's the point? No one will care anyway..' And that's how it was with my parents.. My therapist once said that if no one reacts to a child's crying, the child has no choice but to ultimately stop. Why cry if no one is going to do anything, not going to help you out! But I feel I really need to let go of this grief energy somehow..

Thank you for reading