As some of you may recall, when i was writing my last post, my cell phone rang, and when I picked it up... it was T. I was at work so I told him to hold on so I could close the door to my office, when in actuality I was collecting myself so that I wouldn't pass out.

He asked me if I would like to come in a bit later that afternoon.... so I did.

When I got to the session, there was a lot of anger there. I wasn't really aware of it beforehand, but as soon as I got there I was my classic, sarcastic self.

He asked me to free associate about the anger. Told me not to even think about it; just let it go. So I started telling him how I was so mad at him because when the last session ended, I knew I wouldn't be seeing him for two weeks. And now it's not even him going away-- it's me (going to NY to visit family). But the fact that he didn't rearrange his entire schedule, and kick other clients out of their slots, apparently pissed me off. Told him how once again, it %#@&#! pisses me off that I have to feel all the emotion, and all the transference, and he doesn't have to feel anything once I walk out the door.

He told me to keep going. He asked me what I thought of him; what I would call him.

I told him he's a %#@&#! a$$hole, and a prick.

Then I told him how I still didn't feel like I was saying enough. That there's so much emotion inside me, and even all the stuff that I just said, didn't touch that emotion.

So then said... ok... this might seem a bit strange, but look at the painting that you hate (there is a painting on the wall, to the left of me, that he knows I can't stand. It's this painting of a picnic table, set with all the dishes, in this park or something... you can see that there are two chairs in the corner, in the background there is grass, trees, and some stone wall or something). So I look at the painting, and he goes, "You are there. You are at the table. I'm there, too... but I just turn around and walk away... what will you do now?" So I basically just pretended we were in the painting, and described how I felt that he walked away, and what I would say. Then he said, "Ok. Now I have come back... what now? What would you want to do?" I told him that I would just want him to sit next to me at the table. But that i would probably ask him to leave after while, for the fear of getting more and more attached. It was quite remarkable. I responded really well through this method. Afterwards, T asked me if I censored some of the stuff I wanted to say. I told him that I did. There was really so much more I wanted to say. But I wasn't comfortable doing it yet. He asked me if I censored my emotions during it. I said no. And he said he knew that because even though he could tell I was censoring words, all the emotion of how I felt was there, even if I wasn't saying certain things... he could feel all of it, just watching me.

It was %#@&#! hard.

But I told him that I am eager to do more of this in the future. Because I have always responded well through art, music, dreams, and poetry. So we agreed to take this route more often. I see him again a week from tomorrow.