Thanks...

MusingLizzy - thanks. That's great that you've had some growth to focus on! I would think that (might? maybe?) help? I feel like I've got nothing to show for it, and not just with this therapist. I haven't really gotten anything out of past therapy either... I keep hoping... but I can't seem to figure out what to do to make it useful. It's like someone gave me a bunch of seeds, but no directions... and nobody ever showed me how to plant and water them. So, I've tried sticking them in a box, trying putting them on a display, in a frame, tried eating a couple... but can't figure out how to turn them into nourishment! (Ha! There's a metaphor for you!)

What makes it more frustrating is I *have* had really good friends who really understood me, and who I felt better talking to them. We clicked. I can't seem to click with therapists. I don't know why.

Thanks Archipelago - Oh, I really loved your metaphor about surgery without anesthesia! That works. That all makes sense... but how do you know, when you're in the middle of it, that it's the right path? How do you know that you're getting closer to "better", and it's not just some scalpel-wielding maniac poking at you to see what's inside? How do you know that the therapy of today isn't going to be looked at like blood-letting from thousands of years ago? (Sorry for the ick factor! Describes about how I'm feeling this second!)

Brown Owl - YES! Exactly! You're describing it perfectly. Shouldn't therapy be helping me feel more competent and better at my life, or at the very least, a tiny bit hopeful that I can change things that aren't working? It's not. I'm feeling more hopeless and less like doing anything. That makes sense about finding the right T, but I've tried soooo many. I feel like I'm running out of local Ts. And there aren't many that give me a good feeling when I look at them online. And, I like this one - I like that he's done tons of his own therapy, and is hopefully not rattled by my craziness (an old T thought that I hated him, since I wasn't able to talk about stuff - it became a very weird, difficult, not helpful situation). I like that he has an air of "solidness". But, I don't know if I have confidence that he knows how to help me. He seems to not understand things a lot. It feels like after 9 months, he's still not sure what to do with me . I've done my best to give him all the information! But I don't know what else to tell him... surely I can't be THAT much of an enigma!?!?

Thanks... I appreciate all the thoughts.... really. I know I'm probably not going to quit, but I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I tend to stay in bad situations way too long, thinking that maybe it's me, or that it will get better, or giving people the benefit of the doubt. I can't figure out how to tell if this is something I need to get out of, or stick with. I will say, he's obviously trying. He doesn't get upset or take it personally when I tell him stuff he does bothers me (not yet anyway) and has been pretty accommodating about changing what he can to make me more comfortable. I really do think he's *trying*. Which makes me think that it's me, I'm the problem here