I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Periodically I get depressed, and in particular feel very lonely, and feel a need for human touch. When this happens, and I have no way whatsoever of satisfying these needs things go south. I fall into inappropriate behaviors, transforming something normal into destructive habits, and this makes everything worse. It's a form of escape. The problem is that whether I'm ok or depressed the underlying cause is still there and I don't know how to deal with it.

I finally figured out last year that as a child my feelings had been neglected and I was starved for physical affection. I have no memory of ever being held or cuddled by my mother. Her response to my getting hurt or upset was (still is) something like "tough cookies", without the humor. My dad was better, but neither really knew how to be warm and fuzzy. Even as a young child used to pretend that I had someone to give me the affection I needed. I can't change any of that, or the damage it did, but I have to deal with the effects now.
I can deal better with actually being alone than I can the need for touch and affection.

The experience contributed to shyness and social awkwardness, which I have made a lot of progress on, as I have overcoming the desperate feeling of needing a girlfriend. However, I'm 40, and for a variety of reasons, especially having epilepsy (although you would never know), I've never been able to make a living for any period of time. I have a masters degree and worked a variety of jobs. This year I was working on a vocational certificate, got a 4.0 first semester, my back got bad, had to drop out, and had back surgery. I'm recovering, and will be ready for work in a month or so, but won't have the job I went to school for. Now I don't know what I'm going to do. The result is I can't see how I'm ever going to get married. The point being that I am loosing hope of ever getting the affection that I need. I haven't had a girlfriend for 15 years, and connecting with people on any level is difficult. I have been on some dates, but that's all. So, how do I handle the normal need for connection everyone has, let alone my scars from the insecure attachment I grew up with? It's not thought of as masculine, but sometimes I just want to be held or someone to hold. At times it's almost unbearable.