Thanks guys... wanted to reply, but it's getting late here and I'm feeling a bit icky, and need to get some sleep. Hate losing track of time ("surprise, it's 12:30am! Why aren't I in bed!?")

NowhereUSA - I'm not sure what method we're doing. He might be aiming for psychodynamic? He has a lot of different things he uses, per his website, but I think that 's still trying to figure out what will work best with me. I'm difficult, not on purpose, but apparently kind of hard for therapists to pin down, and even with me trying to be open, it's not really apparently all OPEN! ... it's more like... you know, I'm trying... but I shut down a lot and am not able to talk/remember stuff in that state. He's good about helping me get out of it, but some things just keep shutting me down, no matter how many times he pulls me back, you know?

I'm not sure about the skills training stuff, honestly. I'm just not sure... maybe I don't know enough about it. We haven't really talked about it, other than him recommending DBT for the SI stuff.

Oh wow, Archipelago! That was really awesome, thanks for sharing... and it totally makes me want to stay in therapy! My world is really small right now too, and I'd love to get to the point where I can take on more, handle more, do more... and not be totally overwhelmed by *everything*. Thanks! Was there anything specific your T did to help? Is your T experienced with trauma? My T mentioned "trauma" just recently when I was trying really hard to get him to understand how fragmented, dreamlike, and... missing big pieces... my memory is. I wasn't sure he was getting it, even though I kept saying it. I'm still not sure he's going to remember, b/c the conversation just didn't go any further than him saying that the way I described it made it sound like trauma. I don't know if I even responded. I think that could be a good way to approach it, but I need... I don't know, help with what I'm supposed to do or validation or something (it's hard for me to see how my stupid little stuff could actually be big enough to fit under "trauma" - I think my *reactions* look like trauma reactions, but the actual stuff that I remember doesn't seem really worthy of the label.) Anyway, thanks - your description of what getting better looked like really helps!

Pfrog - thanks! I'll keep it in mind. I'm not sure that I'm there yet... if I take a break right now, honestly, I probably won't come back...

SoupDragon - I'm sorry you're having a rough time too! I really wish there was a way to get matched up with a therapist that we'd know has the experience and personality to help us, and to just know we're on the right path! It would make it so much easier... I hate how much time I waste going back and forth with uncertainty about my T

Hi Scallion - Thanks! I'm really glad that you're looking at some other Ts, I remember you talking (awhile ago?) about how your T wasn't willing or able to help out when you got lost in the silence, and it sounded awful. I've been there with other Ts, and it just sucked... it's one thing I'm grateful for about this T, he doesn't let me just drift off in silence. He's been good about that, so he does have *some* good points! You're right though, it sucks to feel like you're going backwards... and it sucks to not have anyway to tell if it's a necessary step in healing, or if you're just being destabilized with no help getting it back together It would be easier if I didn't like this T, and didn't feel like there's *some* potential... *sigh*. (BTW the fact that your T said, "you tell me" why therapy is failing - wow. I don't think I would deal with that well at all. I'm sorry!)

ScarletPimpernel - thanks... I don't even know how to begin to work out what my needs are, that's part of the problem. I feel totally "blind" in therapy, not sure what I should be doing, what "trying" or "working hard" looks like, what I need, where the path is... just eek. I think I'm trying, because I try to tell him stuff, even when I'd rather hide (and I've told him about the hiding!)... but I don't know! It really is like walking into a swamp, in the dark!

Wow, that's great that you were able to build a better relationship with your mom (I'm so not there with my mom, honestly). I think for me, the avoidance/dissociation probably plays a huge huge part in making therapy harder than it already is My brain just shuts down, or forgets, or gets distracted. Even when I'm scared/freaked out/freezing - I realize that (out of self-protection) I generally do it in a way that *looks* totally normal and well-adjusted. I've had to tell T early on when things he did scared me to the point of "freezing", and he couldn't tell. Once (the feet on the couch!) he was asking questions, and part of my brain just very easily kept talking and answering and making sense and making sure that I *looked normal* (b/c I think, to do otherwise, feels like *danger*!). But I have no idea what he asked or what I said, and I heard myself talking almost like listening to the radio... b/c most of my brain was just going on and on about, "why did he put the feet on the couch? He just told me boundaries are important and he wants this to be a safe place? What's going on? Should I say something? I'm sure I should, but I have no idea what to say! OMG!"

Phew... sorry... lots of thoughts, and it's late here, and my body is hurting a little from stressing over the depression screener and I'm ready to go crash... almost 1 am by me - yikes!

Thanks everyone! I really do appreciate all the thoughts and replies and help, and feeling not so alone and crazy with this!