I didn't get to take my nap

I haven't written about it, but I'm having issues with my fiance again. He's been lying, breaking promises, being lazy, neglectful, and his anger is starting to come up again. Not things I need right now. Today when he came home, he sat out in his car talking to a coworker for 20mins. Our dogs know the sound of his car, so they were barking for 20mins and I couldn't quiet them. This was when I was trying to take my nap. He didn't care. Talking to this guy, working (on a Sunday) was more important. And when he did have a T, his T told him to stop working on the weekends and at night. He's not even getting paid for it! He's supposed to work 5hrs a week; he's working ~60. The job is only paying him for the 5hrs, so he's getting paid a whole $200 a week. Yep, that's all. It's bs! He's been doing this for 13 months now... His boss keeps promising him a salary, but nope. There's always an excuse.

So I've been trying to distract myself with cleaning. I've done 3 loads of laundry and put it away, gave all 3 dogs a bath, cleaned my bathroom.... I'm going to be hand cleaning the tile in the dining room tonight and maybe grooming my dogs.

I'm just feeling so alone. I'm worried I might have hit another depression cycle. I hope not. But my body hurts, my head is throbbing, my face is still swollen from last night , my energy is low but I'm pushing through it, and I'm feeling hopeless again.

I hate chronic mental illness! You have a physical aliment, you have so many options for treatment. But with mental illness, you are already being treated before a crisis, and then what can you do during the crisis? There's not many resources nor treatments. You just have to "hold on", "fake it till you make it", "sit with the feelings", "think positive". Tell that to someone in chronic physical pain! And here we are fighting, trying so hard to not just survive but hope to thrive. But it's so difficult!

Hmm...if I compare what happened with my T to a doctor treating someone for physical issues.... that would be like a doctor treating a burn victim and then setting their house on fire with them in it. Or curing a cancer patient of stage 2 cancer, and then implanting stage 3 cancer cell. Oh! A dentist restoring all your teeth and then smashing them during a cleaning. Yeah, the anger is present tonight.

How do people survive this? Please someone tell me how? I think one of the reasons nights are so bad is because I distract myself all day from the pain, and when the distractions end, all the pain comes rushing back. It's like opening a flood gate. You have to grieve losses right? But you also can't have a pity party. How do you balance them?

Well, I'm going back to my cleaning. Hope all of you had a good weekend and have a peaceful nights sleep.