That's a clever idea. My fiance wants me to get them out of my email so I can keep them safe. I could do that and put them in my dropbox.

I was also thinking, might be a dumb idea, but actually going through all the emails, organizing them, and printing them into a book. I'll highlight all the really special things, so that when I read them, I'll immediately find the best parts.

My problem is one: figuring out how to download them, two: being stable enough to read them, and three: somehow being able to accept all the positives.

She's still split for me. I cannot see her as a whole. In my mind, I cannot believe that the person I loved and how I thought loved me, be the same person who caused me all this pain. I did split her once before, but she was there for me to help me see her as a whole.

Can someone who read my previous threads that I posted about my T, please tell me their honest opinion (nicely )? Was I idealizing my T? Do you think I saw the good and the bad, or was it all just a fantasy made up in my mind? I know I'm still looking for answers. I still am trying to figure out why. I don't think I idealized her, but if I didn't, then why can't I accept that she was capable of abandoning me like this?

God! I want so much to see her and speak to her, or write her or call her. I want to know why. My fiance keeps telling that's what the advocate is trying to do. But she's not going to find out why. My T could lie to her. Only my T knows why. But she broke all her promises so I could I trust anything anymore?

In your opinion, do you think my T ever cared for me? She said she did in her last 2 emails to me. But how does someone do this to someone they care about? Someone who is supposed to be stable and trained. Can you imagine how much worse things could be if a therapist has unresolved issues of their own? And I know a few. O e is still practicing!

I really hope someone can answer these questions. I know they are simply opinions, but that's all I've got too. The only facts are: I loved my T, she said she cared (and loved in so many words), she's gone, and I'm hurting. So wth happened?

I've written everything here, all my experiences. It's all been truth. Of course, I can't be 100% open about all the details for privacy sake, but I have been very open still. Everyone says I didn't do anything wrong. Why? How do you know? It takes 2 to be in a relationship. I had to have had an effect somehow, someway.

* It wasn't money because I would have paid her.
* It wasn't boundaries because I would have respected a change.
* It wasn't a crisis for her because I've already been through a crisis of hers.
* She said she loves this city and has no plans to move.
* She said her schedule is booked.
* It shouldn't have been my depression ir cutting, we've been through that plenty of times. Plus she took me on in the first place because she knew how much I needed a T because I had a 51/50 called out on me before I met her.
* It wasn't that she didn't know about the BPD because she did...she officially diagnosed me after a month!
* I was in DBT group, and I did have the workbook, and she said she would have been my individual DBT T if I could afford this other group.
* I don't think it was lack of progress. The week before she told me she was proud of me for meeting all my short-termgoals. And I did make a lot of progress...for me at least.

So what happened? Any guesses? Any ideas? I have none. Could it have been my "secret". Was she always there only for guilt? Was I an experiment? Why all the promises? Why the support? Why did she email me everyday I was in the crisis house? Why was she part of my crisis plan?

I apologize. I know there's no answers. But even that! Omg! She said that she didn't like how my Pdoc left things with me. She did worse! She encouraged me to try to get clarity from my Pdoc. Why won't my T give me clarity?

It's one thing to terminate me, but why did she abandon me?!?! Why????

I hurt so much. I'm tired of this. I want to be happy again. This sucks so much. I hate life right now. I hate myself.

And am I stuck because of my mental illness? Or am I stuck because most people with or w/o mental illness would struggle with this? Am I messed up that bad?