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Originally Posted by Rose76
It sure sounds like he's rather irritable himself, if he jumps down your throat over windshield wipers.
If you're managing to work fulltime, you can't be expected to be as caregiving at home, as if being a homemaker was all you were doing. But, if you strike him as being demoralized, he is going to question if you're happy in the marriage.
I don't believe that mood disorders cause people to become depressed for absolutely no reason at all. The mood disorder makes us react more intensely to things. At least, that's been my experience. Something is bothering you, and it's not that you're depressed just because you're a depressive. Seeing someone down in the dumps can get old, if it goes on long enough. Then a husband is bound to think, "Hey, if something is bothering you, spit it out."
On the other hand, there is more to your life than your husband. He needs to understand that everything on your mind is not about your relationship with him. It sounds like you two don't really talk.
Medication is no cure all. I've always hated for anyone to respond to me having difficulty by saying, "Sounds like your meds need adjusting." He overestimates what meds can do. It's up to you to decide whether meds help you meet your goals or not. I'm sure you're competent to do that.
Don't give him mixed messages about psych drugs. Don't say,"Yes, I'ld probably be nicer to live with if I took some psych drugs, but I just won't do that." That's making it a battle of wills. Better to say, "I've decided that the downside of meds outweighs the upside at this point in my life, so I am staying medfree to do what is best for me right now. Take responsibility for your decision and frame it in a positive light. But, then, don't use the lack of meds as an excuse to be moody. One way or another - with meds, or without - it's up to you yo have a gameplan to nanage your mood disorder. Medication isn't the only tool. Have your own strategy, and share with him how you are working your own program . . . and what he can do in support of that. Say something more specific than, "Give me space."
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First- we do talk. But if I even MENTION being stressed at work or having issues with a co-worker, he gets angry and tells me I need to stop being so negative.
If I cannot even tell my husband that I am stressed, who the hell am I supposed to trust to listen?
So by nature, I close myself off to him. I don't want to talk about anything bothering me because he snaps at me (hence, windshield wipers not working turning into such a huge blow out that I actually left for an entire night, because I couldn't deal with it).
I've told him that I straight up refuse to be on medication because they did not do the positive things they should have, and only managed to make things worse (weight gain, made my kidneys act up, etc). I have managed my moods for over four years without it (minus a few months when I went back on Tegretol for HIS benefit, because he was insisting I needed to be on something). He even noticed this and agreed we would work through my harder times (spring/fall) together.
Last spring, he did something similar to what he is doing now. He wouldn't listen to how sad/stressed I was about my job and I eventually took to drinking. And while it never got out of hand, he developed a problem with it because he felt like I was turning to alcohol. Well, I attempted to turn to him, but he was not there- he checked out of our relationship.
It has been like this every spring. He says his therapist thinks he absorbs all my stress and can't let go like I can. I can just LISTEN to him and say, "I'm sorry hon, I love you though and it's just work, right?" But he takes everything in and makes it personal, like I'm expecting him to fix all of my issues with work. And he says he is trying to work on it, but so far I've only seen him take it as a negative thing and turn my own thoughts around to be against HIM- like because I'm saying work is so stressful, I'm telling him it's his fault and he needs to fix it. Obviously that is not the case.
When I just need some free time to unwind without talking (I don't even care if he's around, I just don't want to talk), he gets this nasty demeanor towards me that is unbearable.
I went from just being stressed and sad about work (my favorite co-worker left last month and the two I'm left with are not the best people to be around) to being sad because my husband thinks I'm just this naggy complaining pessimistic wife when in reality, I'm not! I know how to leave my problems at the door of work. I might vent a minute, but after that I'm good. He makes it worse by not wanting to listen. And I've already told him this...so it does no good to keep bringing it up.
Since I wrote this post, I have not brought up anything that stresses me out to him. I have kept my mouth shut and just said, "Work is good." And we had sex. And guess what?
He's all happy now. Go figure. He didn't have to listen to any of my vents and he got to have sex. Fixes all his issues because those are two of his biggest complaints in our relationship!