My PTSD has jumped back into active mode over the last month or so. The big trigger this time was my adoptive mother sending a mothers day card that suggested that I was loved from the time I was born... now that I have kids of my own, somehow I can understand how much she loves me.

Thing is, I was orphaned. She did not meet me until I was almost 4 months old. And she betrayed me. She neglected me and emotionally abused me. She allowed my father to abuse me. She allowed her brother (who happened to be a pastor too) to molest me.

I do not talk to her. I have not talked to her for 5 years. Still she will not leave me alone.

This stupid card she sent me finally sent me over the edge. I hate her. She implied that because I have kids of my own, that I understand now how much she loves me. What I really understand is how much she DOESN'T love me..... just used and abused me.

I have (what my therapist calls) psychic memory of my birth mother. A baby is bonded to mother long before birth. I miss her so much. I used to wake up every morning crying for her... until I just despaired, when I was about 10.

I finally understand that I am grieving for the loss of my real biological mother. I can barely get through my days right now. I've fallen back into a bad pattern of overwork and insomnia, nightmares, appetite loss.

I don't know why I'm even posting. I guess I just needed to get this all off my chest.