What bothers me more is I'm still mildly elevated, even with my meds increased to knock a horse out.

Being on the edge like this is ******* terrifying. The depression breaks me, but the ups... They're what is going to kill me.

Flying manic, I'll do it all. Drink myself into oblivion, snort some coke and God knows what else and I have next to no recollection of it either afterwards.

That - this scares the **** out of me.