Are u seeing a therapist? Have u come over to the BPD forum. It might be helpful. We can give you support others without BPD can't. We have been here done that.
My children have a restricted relationship with me. This is for their own mental health and sanity. I respect their self protection. It is hard for our children. I was being treated by professionals throughout my entire children's life. I did this so I could be the best parent I could. I did not always work out. I fell and sometimes I did not have a great grip on reality.

Have you done DBT? They also have family groups to help. I don't believe I can ever apologize enough. I had a drunk and naraccistic mother and an emotionally absent father. I had my own abusive/neglected story too.

My children are not ok and the only one to blame is me. Their father died when they were young and left an ill equipped BPD to raise them on my own. I believe I should have never been a mother. I did not have the right equipment. If I had known I would have tried to prevent the pregnancies or give them up for adoption. My diagnosis was TOO late. I love my children with all my heart and always and still want the best for them. The best was and is not ME. I did very wrong and they under no circumstances deserved my mentally ill way of raising them. I accept wherever whenever they want a relationship. If they were to leave my life tomorrow it would hurt badly but I would know it is to protect themselves and I just want them to be healthy and happy and that might mean never seeing me again.