Thank you all!

I have thought about massage, and should probably try it. There's a place I can walk to.

About my problems connecting...

I have made great improvements with being more outgoing. I even started and organized a Meetup for a year. I have some old friends I try to keep in contact with, and try to call my mother and sister fairly often. Sometimes force myself to talk to people even when I don't feel like it, because I know it's good for me. Since I'm out of school and in a strange city, with no church here, I have virtually no social contact. I get out of my apartment everyday, and have found excuses to invite some of the students over. Hopefully in two months I'll be out of here. I go to a church in a nearby city when I can, and know the priest there.

Something weird has happened though. When I was younger, until I graduated from college, it was MUCH harder for me to socialize in general, but paradoxically it was easier to connect and make friends. I felt more comfortable being with other people. Maybe part of this is getting older, but it's much harder to connect or feel comfortable now. A lot of times I don't know what to say, but the most difficult thing is interacting emotionally. Sometimes I'm just fine, but often I think people are looking for more emotional reaction from me. They feel uneasy because I'm uneasy. However, even with my best and oldest friends I often feel like there is an unbridgeable gap separating us. When I see them, I get worn out after an hour or so. I can't enter into their world, or perhaps more accurately, I can't forget about myself. With women it's 100 times worse. Part of the difficulty is that it is hard to find people with similar interests.

The experience of my surgery hasn't had so much to do with self valuation as practical consequences. My health has declined quite a bit since 2001. Coming here was essentially a last ditch effort at finding a career. I tried hard for a long time to make a living otherwise. Now that I'm not getting my certificate, and may be further disabled, AND cant move back home, it will be rough. I'm trying, but the reality is I have serious problems socializing and with intimacy. Finding a job will be tough. I'm in about $70,000 dollars debt from school. And, I have a serious chronic illness/disability, on account of which I can't drive. Any one of these could make getting married difficult. Now I'm at the point where I'm having to ask myself, "If nothing else mattered, could I be depended on to be a husband or father?" I'm not at all sure I could. I mean, for the present, I really need more like a nurse! I do look healthy. I'm decent looking, smart, and funny, but it would have to be a very special girl to take a chance on me. I see that, but for the same reasons that make me a a questionable prospect, I also see that I really need someone.

I haven't given up hope, and a lot could happen, but it just doesn't look good. It was thinking about those things that made me realize that I really have to come to terms with the need for affection, whether it helps me find a wife, or live alone.