Hey everyone, I am very new here. Quick intro: I'm almost 21, go to a very good college, have a very good office job, generally appear very put together. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 15 after a 3-week hospitalization. I am on 75mg of lamotrigine. My primary parent is also BP and and alcoholic, and has OCD. I also have a GAD and emetophobia if any of that matters, haha.

I feel like I will never be a functioning adult. I get so scared when I hear stories about people much older than me still being severely mentally ill. I keep hoping I'll grow out of it. I feel so different than my boyfriend, family, and friends. I don't want to be like this forever but I know I will be. I'm medicated but it doesn't do enough, I don't think. I've tried every SSRI available to me in conjunction with the lamictal but they just make me feel sluggish and numb.

I'm taking 18 credits (4 classes, over full time) and working 30 hours a week. I don't think I'm burning out or crashing or manic but I live in fear of becoming manic and crashing.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. I guess I just want people to read it that understand, because I feel like no one that I talk to in real life gets it. I just feel like crying.

(I've made an appointment with my therapist, who I've been seeing for 7 years. Haven't seen him in about 6 months due to scheduling constraints)