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ultimatum · 12:52 AM

TW: some of it is maybe a bit descriptive :/

Hey, lately I've been thinking about something that happened to me when I was 9-10 years old and I've been having trouble discerning whether or not it should count as abuse... It's kind of difficult for me to believe myself if I think that it counted as it since some people have had it worse than me, but I guess I'll just write what happened now so I can get other opinions, maybe.

Possible trigger:

Okay. So when I was 9 I got my first laptop and I used it to set up a bunch of accounts on different websites, and on one (i can't remember which) i got contacted by this 24 year old dude who seemed nice at first. Eventually, he had asked me if I had ever done sexual stuff before (keep in mind I wasn't even ten yet) and of course I said no. So for the next few months he taught me how to masturbate, had me get him off by talking dirty to him, and made me call him "master" (which is by far something I still feel extremely ashamed of, and can barely bring myself to type). For some reason being forced to keep this interaction a secret warped how I displayed emotions and to this day I have trouble authentically sharing feelings because I am so used to being secretive. I have trouble with friendships, relationships, and sometimes I'll have days where I can't even function because I'm mentally beating myself up over seeking out his praise, attention, and command/control.

But a part of me doesn't want to believe that this was THAT bad because he never touched me physically and I never engaged with him in person.

I honestly don't know if it should be classified as abuse or if I'm just being whiny about something I should have been able to shrug off.

Any thoughts?