Hey!

Ever felt that you really are the reason for this misery you're in? I'm going through this now, even though blaming myself has been a code under use my entire life, but this blaming is different than lashing.

I have to say this, I know that I mentioned a lot that my family contributed to my depression, which is true, but I think that I'm the one whose silly for taking something too seriously even though it's not true, i.e. accusations, including dumb, silly, useless, etc, that are part of my past which stuck with me until now. We never blame ourselves, ever, that's why when someones throws a mere implication of a wrong doing we committed, we jump and gasp, which is like cocking a gun, and then we attack, i.e. shooting, which to us we seems like an act of defense. Come to think of it, when do we really admit that we are wrong? Or that we are the missing equation? Not often. Yes, I have been called dumb, but, am I?! Why did I take it to the heart and believed it? The fact that I "took it to the heart", made me feel dumb, which also made me go "Oh, that means that they are absolutely right. I am really dumb!" but if I chose to ignore, I wouldn't be in this situation nowadays. It's not easy to choose between "take it or leave it", but to leave it, is a choice that can be made in a blink.

I'm announcing it right now: I am the reason behind my own pain, not proud of it though. It's time for a change, hopefully with no second thoughts and backing out this time, which is what would probably happen.