I can't stop crying now, and it's an obvious reason why.

All my life women have destroyed emotionally and mentally the most more than men. I can't remember many incidents where men were my abusers.

I'm a male, but this has to go the most damaging stuff I deal with all the time.

See I'm successful whatever I put my mind to and I've been just hurting crying and feeling very suicidal all the time, because of the games and bs that women in today's society expects me as a man to be.

You can't lie there is a lot of complex intertwined double standards of sexism in both ends, just men obviously get less attention because of the ******** men started on women in the first place.

See we are at unique time where we are seeing the line between the cracks.

See I hate hollow conversations with women, a lot of them do to push guys away. I don't mean strangers the females I talk to at work or friends I've known for a very long time do this.

It feels very impersonal and just depressing, rather it feels like they aren't human just an automation machine. It's not women guys do it differently where they bring up stupid stuff about any casual convo, but guys aren't afraid to switch it up abstractly.

See it makes me mad, that even if I'm explaining this, in my head the damage women have caused onto me, make some type of voices I hear how I am an unlovable piece of ****. I'm not worth anything, if I'm not perfect or don't care. See I hear voices now of how some women find this post offensive. It's not directed at any women, just the specific situations I'm exposed to.

So it's not everyone at all. Under any circumstance. I do have quite a lot of female and male friends. I'm very attractive I've been told and I'm very cool to be around. Except the thing I hate, is the things that make me me are difficult to get a long with for me deep down. I can't connect with anyone because my conversations have to be dumbed down a lot. Then I feel very ****** when the girl I talk to is saying like, "what? huh?" "I don't understand you. You're so random. I didn't hear you correctly."

Many girls I've talked to have very poor communicational skills. Like either ignore you and have listen to you or they only care when it's something relevant to them or what they want.

Rather the other extreme other girls get overly picky and obsessive to detail on me putting a skewed image of me. That's usually very pessimistic and negative. Rather it feels very difficult to cope feeling like I'm a piece of **** based of a misunderstanding.

Like my friend Natalie, thought I was stupid and arrogant for saying one thing stupid and out of context, but if I called her out on her bs she deny that she said anything.

This shouldn't happen anymore.

Like I hate being thrown under the bridge and left to die, because I'm the guy.

This isn't helpful it's damaging!.

I hated being told, that girls like guys with confidence and I do. Girls like guys with patience and or guys with assertive nature who are go getters than bums which I am.

This isn't me saying, why girls don't like me. I don't care if they do or don't. I'm just tired of girls complaining to me about how crappy their bf is and what they want isn't really aligned to what they feel they want.

My point is the disconnection of the inner soul and self and making things happen for themselves isn't an easier skill for the girls I've talked to and know. They expect others to pick up their pieces for whatever they did.

No I mean, they are all self reliant, but their behaviors is very not mindful and it's fueled by an over inflated ego and sense of that others should suffer under their own foot. It's like some overly unusual creepy over the top feminist stuff that isn't really fair for anyone.

I've dated 6 people 4 very abusive and the worst experiences of dating ever.
Learning from that, I've grown to have no hope and fear women.

I am not shy to talk to them, but if they tell me how much they think I'm cool, nice, likable, friendly, so on. I get very angry deep down and just shut down deep down. I won't open up, I sometimes do and jump on myself later for it.

It's because one ex killed herself blamed it on me, but she had her own issues her rationality was I wasn't perfect so it was my fault she was going to die. She recovered after me having a heart attack about that and blaming and explaining how much of a piece of **** I am.

Then came my ex whose crazy mother never met me, but the fact I had a penis and I was a boy in her weird sick mommy mind. She didn't want me near her daughter who was my same age in highschool. She told my ex how much of a piece of **** I am, and to go away, because I'm a nymphomaniac bisexual ***** who deserves nothing but stds. Then this woman meets me in person for the first time 2 years later ironically fell in love how sweet and nice I am, that I'm perfect for her daughter.

The girl after her was my worst experience, this girl I met through a friend at a church ended up being the one who took my virginity, she got so attracted and over infatuated with me I was her addiction and obsession. I didn't mind it till a month later when she and i became a codependent couple at that point on to the end of the hellish relationship where their was some friendship, but all sex. I was naive and didn't know too much other than it felt nice and my emotions were amazing on the high. I was crazy for her was whipped, she used that to her advantage for me to get things for her. Then it got worse she started beating me for disobeying, it wasn't a slap or a shove or something tiny. She literally wailed on me till I'm bruised black eyed or too scared to get hit by her again. She eventually and I were made one mistake together, but I don't regret it and I'll explain.

I was supposed to be a father of this beautiful girl, I miss her all the time. All I feel despite how that situation ended that it wasn't just. She got pregnant and around month 5 to 6 she had an abortion suddenly after cheating on me like so many times because I won't have sex with her we can't hang out to have sex. Then she told me how useless horrible and a liar and unlovable human and how much no woman would want me I just want sex, when ironically she forced it on me. I wasn't intending to lose my virginity she just invited me into the woods of a public park and had me experience it because she said, "take your pants off and just **** me already quit talking."

See it got worse she told me how much my body was good for her and I hated being at my overall heaviest of 245 coming from an 80 lb underweight for my age of battling anorexia before. Feeling a false impression she likes my body, but she only loved my penis. Truth be told that's what she told me later on, how much she enjoyed me putting out, because I was so great at it and that virgins are the best. It felt all she wants is to take an take and I become the loser in the end, because in her words I'm the guy who didn't care. When I was always helping her family out her dad loved me and her
stepmom who wasn't very nice appreciated me around.
She and I picked a name for a baby girl named melody off an edgar allen poe poem. For annabellee, because I wanted a daughter named anna.

I loved that name, we bought crib stuff everything. Then all of a sudden I got the call out with friends how she aborted her and I felt my life just crashed. Like I remember I didn't want to talk the whole day and played it off at some point I was fine because I was in shock. Just like how I lost my grandma when she died.
She be two years old now if she was born on her due date of 12,21,2012.

It felt a love I had an appreciation for my child was taken. It felt justified in some sense she is in a better place, because her mother would had abused her like she does to her father and me we all knew that was coming.

That she try to get custody even though she would be a horrible mother because she is the mom.

It's **** like that where women who get these priviledges shouldn't be given to her like that, it should be so unbiased. I was thrown under the bus.

Then after her was jess, a drunk a person who didn't care but herself, my last gf before where I am at now.

She only cared about drugs, getting high, drinking partying, she wasn't fun to party with and I did party a lot with drugs and alcohol.
She was a nice girl, but did so much stupid **** she ended up tearing me apart the last time we met she and i weren't dating, but she got drunk hitting me and forcing me to have sex with her again when my medical condition of stiff person syndrome showed up and she hit me while drinking vodka saying. You have sex with me now and get more alcohol or else I'll cry and scream. I feel you don't love me etc...

It was horrible, I was physically paralyzed from my condition and was helpless and I got her life together before this ****. and I'm aware I did some things in that relationship that weren't comfortable with her I accidently embarrassed her and I feel bad for that, but she took it as the deal breaker before the incident I mentioned above.

Now from all of that, I've also had my mother and sister always hounding me how I gotta do this to be better or that. I'm too crazy, I'm too much of an inpatient person or angry or negative. They never said many positive things to me at that time. I still fight for my moms undivided attention she never gives and it feels like since ever I never had a mother. Just a grown up friend who was just there same with my dad.

Now all I live is the guilt, the loneliness, and panic attacks everyday of every girl who comes up to me to tell me how nice and awesome I am. I cry deep down and when I get alone or home. I panic from fear they want to hurt me. You can't see that it's a lot harder than you think. I never wanted to have any of this, no one has shown me anything better yeah it may happen, but when it does. I'm afraid of hurting her whoever she may be. I will drive her to the breaking point too just because she may be very patient too, but how long. I've been past it, so I gotta do my best to pick up my own pieces. That person has to accept me or else it will never work ever. They'll never get to my heart or scratch the surface.

A lot of girls, I push away and keep them there. They won't move any closer, they get too close I get panicked. See I do now have a hard commitment phobia, and I won't cheat or do anything stupid when a relationship comes around I've not done that, but it feels so painful. I feel like despite the flaws I see where the quality will diminish over time and I find out truly who I really want to tolerate and more appreciate than tolerate.

It's become obvious in my current interactions. It may not ever happen, because I feel more fearful and hurt.

I have night terrors again and my ptsd is retriggered because of these women. My 2nd gf killed herself after I nearly died from a brain disease at 15 almost on my bday for my sweet 16.

I never had anything close to sane or easy. Most people find me intimidating because of my experiences the people who I trust and know me. They are honest to say the girls that I mention here can't handle me for that reason.

I get it and respect it. Your self esteem will die from this. Now I've been starving myself since last june. Plus have no planning on dating since I've not dated in 2 years. When a lot of girls tell you how bad you are and treat you like second to last for not being perfect. It will eventually kill your self esteem and you'll realize men have double standards of sexist beliefs women expect men to have.

Note,, women are aware of this, but I'm saying the act of saying stuff like that to me has done the damage. Just saying this is my personal experiences first hand and I have many more but I have to go to bed night.